Sorry I am behind Ya’ll….Moving & family stuff going on. I’m back for another post though.
Thank you all for being so patient & asking about a new post. I love you all!!
No Looking back
As a strong women of God I’m Tired. I sometimes feel broken, eventually getting fed up with how you treat me. A Strong Women of God will eventually walk away for good.
We can only take so much beatings…Mentally…for me. No one knows PAIN until you have to FORCE your heart to stop LOVING the one person who swore to protect you.
My strength during this time in my life came from the moments that brought me to my knees & from my father above.
I Choose to put me First!!
I choose me! I just couldn’t fight anymore. My whole soul was his & he just continued to step all over it, continuing to put me down.
Constantly telling me that he no longer Loved me, that I needed to move on, that I was wasting my time fighting for him.
April 8th 2024 I Choose ME!
I was still there for him for a while though. As I was still living to close to him and seeing him everyday was still so hard on me.
I wanted OUT!!
I had to make a plan for myself. I needed to get away. But I was stuck for now, no choice at this time. So I had to endure seeing him for now.
So in silence I started pulling away slowly, but continued as we were doing. Healing in silence was NOT the best choice. You feel unheard.
No one really knows the PAIN you are in because you choose to live as if nothing if wrong. When really everything is wrong.
You feel like you are constantly drowning over and over. Like you can not catch your breath.
Thoughts….
Oh the thoughts you have that you can NOT tell anyone about.
There were time’s when I was alone, sitting at a gas station pumping gas into my car, I would set there and think how easy it would be to get in car & turn on that switch & just end all the pain!
OR
Sitting at home alone when my boys would be with their dad. How easy it would be to go upstairs to my room get the gun from under my bed & just end the pain.
No one would care. No one would miss me.
BUT…
My BOYS would pop in my head. EVERYTIME!!!! Every time I would see their faces. I could never do that to them. I could never leave my babies like that. How much Damage that would do to them. NO!!!
I had to keep fighting through this gut turning, awful pain I was in for them! I had to get though this for THEM! When I say they SAVED me…..I really mean that they did SAVE me.
My church family were next in my thoughts every time. How would they feel knowing I did that to myself. They have been there for me so much through all of this. No all of them knew every thing that was going on in my life. But some of them knew a little.
They had been so good to me through it all. I love everyone of them!!
My Tragedy
It’s a Dark tragedy when you realize that you will never be enough for the person you always put first in life. It breaks you, shatters you so irrevocable that you lose yourself into a lifeless void where you voicelessly scream to be found, But no one can hear you. It’s a feeling worse than death.
This feeling is a hard one to get past. It was my Tragedy!!
Why can’t broken Hearts be Treated like broken Bones…
Why can’t people except that a broken Heart hurts just as much if not more than broken bones. Pain is Pain.
If people could feel that pain as we do would they want to help?
The outside of our bodies should the pain we felt on the inside would they send help? Would they then see how much the pain really is?
Must blood be seen before they see the pain is real?
Broken Hearts hurt, it’s real to us. It’s painful for us. Our souls are bleeding but no one can see that!! Why can’t they help without seeing the blood?
Can’t they see that the pain is real for us?
My FEELINGS are Valid
This is something I wrote after healing….but I think it fits to put this in now
I was mentally broken, I’m not crazy.
I’m not stupid, I was manipulated.
I’m protecting myself, I’m not shy.
I’m speaking my truth, I’m not bitter.
I’m not hanging onto the past, I’ve been damaged.
I’m living my worst nightmare, I’m not delusional.
I’m not weak, I trusted him.
I’m Healing, I’m not giving up!!!
I had to learn to BELIEVE in myself again.
Slowly but surly learned to take a step back when I realized I was no longer a part of his life any longer. No longer a priority. It’s a hard thing to step back when he meant so much to me. It’s ok though, I just love so deeply that it take’s a little longer for my feelings to die out completely.
No one works harder than a Woman who realized there’s no one to save her.
So in conclusion for tonight….Yes I choose myself. But the road to healing is a messy curvy bumpy road that no one has a map to. No one can tell you how long it take’s or short!! Every one Heals differently. Every one heals in their own time.
Ending Quote:
“Someone once told me a glow stick needs to be BROKEN to GLOW…..Now watch me GLOW BRIGHT!!!”
4 responses to “Healing is the HARDEST Chapter….A Turning Point.”
A sword doesn’t just become a sword. It starts off as raw metal until its thrown in the fire and takes a beating. It’s pushed back into the fire then all the imperfections is stripped from it.
It’s final product isn’t the same as it started. It’s stronger. It’s beautiful. It’s changed.
Not talking about a sword anymore.
Love that!!! Yes never comes out the same as when it went into the fire!
This made me cry. I remember seeing the pain through your eyes. 💔 Through your tears. The ones you fought so hard to hold in but just couldn’t. I knew that as much pain as I could see all over your face, there was a whole lot more behind it that you were using every bit of your strength to hold back. You could have drowned in all the pain you were holding in. But you fought through it and survived! The amount of strength you have inside you is a pure gift from God. You are amazing! I love you.💕
You were there for all of it. The boys, YOU & God definitely got me through it. Without all of you I may not have made it. You are gave me strength when I needed it the most.