Hey Everyone,
I was in & out of my head way to much over the next several weeks. Thinking where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? If he really Loved would he really leave me? Will I hang on & Trust that everything will work out? Do I choose myself?
All these questions kept running through my head.
Most days I felt like I should move on with my life. Not because I didn’t love him. Because believe me I did. Loving that man with my whole soul. It’s why I struggled so hard with letting him go. With moving on from him to save myself in the end.
BUT…………
I continued to put myself through this for months.
I kept fighting. I kept begging him to LOVE me back. Pleading with him to come home, that we could get through this together. Requesting that he leave his girlfriend & come home to his family. PLEADING…….That’s all I was doing. Was BEGGING.
I did NOT deserve that. No one should have to beg someone to LOVE them. I shouldn’t have to fight as much as I was fighting with nothing in return. NO ONE!
I would get nothing but “I don’t Love you”…..”You need to move on with your life”……”I don’t want your LOVE anymore”…..”Stay out of my life”……”I don’t need you”….
So why did I stay?
Because my love was so DEEP for that man that my Love just died very slowly. I had to go through it, to know that in my heart I gave it everything I had. That I gave it my all & I held back nothing. Because I had to know that when & if I stepped away that I had nothing left to give him. Nothing left that would hold me back from starting over.
So after months of this cycle I finally said OK……
It’s time to start fighting for me! Time to start fighting for my life back. Past time for me to find ME again. Because I lost ME a long time ago. The me before him. Me that I gave up to please him. The version of me that I gave up to raise my babies. My life was put on hold to be the wife that HE wanted. I LOST me.
So I continued to go to church getting more & more involved. Falling in Love with my church family. Everyone was so supportive & kind. My paster was the best!
Continuing to PRAY!!!
I continued to Pray for him, Pray that God would help him through whatever it was that he was going through. To help him find his happiness. Give him strength where he was weak. Guide him to the path he is supposed to be on.
Continuing to Pray for my boys for God to protect them through this mess. To not let it change their sweet caring hearts.
Praying for guideless for myself. For God to guide me on the path I need to be. To give me the strength I needed to get through this. Without Him I would not have gotten past the darkness. Over the Pain. Finished with the anger. Past the sadness. None of it. If not for my God & my faith in him I would not have survived it.
When you literally have to break your own Heart to survive……..That’s a PAIN no one should have to suffer. That’s a Pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
So I leave with this tonight!
“Be careful of her. God has healed her more times than you can imagine. She wears trauma like WAR paint; wiping her tears away before they even have a chance to roll off her porcelain cheeks. She is a WARRIOR. She is the daughter to a KING!” – Author Unknown.
Leave a Reply