The Next few Weeks…

First sorry I have been MIA, lots going on, From my oldest son turning 18 (very emotional about that) to finding a place to move. Just a lot going on this last week.

So, the next few weeks were really just a blur for me. I missed him so much. I would cry every night after the boys went to sleep. I felt like my world was closing in on me. Like I couldn’t BREATHE! My chest was so heavy. He was moving on I could feel it, I could feel that he was talking to someone already. It was killing me inside. He could see, or just didn’t care, that he was destroying our family piece by piece!

When he would come to the house to spend time with the boys I would go to my room with a bottle of wine & drink the whole bottle just to not feel so broken, so lost, so confused as to why he was doing this to us. Doing this to our family.

I had to stop doing this to myself. I would put on this fake smile when I was around family or friends. At church. I was dying inside & no one knew. Except my very very close family. But even they didn’t know the extent of my pain. Only what I would tell them. No one knew the suicidal thoughts I had. I would never act on them, I could not do that to my babies….BUT it still didn’t stop the thoughts. I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to be able to sleep.

I loved that man so much that he was part of me. A part of my soul. I still have no hate towards even today. For a long time I felt like my broken heart was going to be my new normal. Like this would be it for me. But there had to be more out there. There had to be something better for me than this reality.

So I turned to GOD. Not that I wasn’t already in church. But I REALY turned to him at this time. I gave it all to him!! I started getting more involved with my church. I told my preacher everything. He would check on me every Sunday. My ladies church group helped, I got more involved with them as well. Things started to look better. I started to slowly feel better. Slowly!!

I leave with another Quote for today:

“You don’t know what pain is until you stay up all night crying with your hand over your mouth trying not to make a noise. And you can feel your heart shattering inside of you. The tears fall to your pillow and you put a hand over your heart because it hurts that bad.” ~Author Unknown